i came to the realist conclusion tonight. and even though the conclusion is slightly depressing for several reasons, it makes me soooo excited to have some sort of tangible solution to some of the problems that have been swooping in and out of my life. my problems are hardly ever isolated. it’s a pattern… some lesson you juuuust have.not.yet learned yet even though the problems are like a disease and very pervasive.
but you’re supposed to. you’re supposed to learn the lesson. you’re not meant to fail all the days of yo life!
haha
but yea. i get so up in arms about things because
*drumroll*
i have no life. now i know that seems kind of like a crazy thing to say if you either a) know me personally or b) read this blog (at least i hope my blog makes me seem like i have some semblance of a life but hey… it is what it is) BUT that’s just it. i don’t have a life. i do take part in things like my fellow classmates do (plus or minus a few things), but i’ve always held myself down doing me. for instance, i love to dance. i have to do more of that. i like to perform things i do well in creatively and i didn’t really realize that until recently. i have no substitute for that and it’s got me feeling incomplete.
in addition, i’m a social being… i like to pretend like i’m not particularly when i’m feeling shy and having a hard time linking up with people. but i need more activities/orgs/whatever in my life that connect me with different types of people so i don’t keep gettin stuck on the same ol friends— no offense to them. i get irked with my friends easily, i take it personally when circumstances change (and sometimes, i should take it personally… but most times, i just need to get a grip), i rely on the same people to give me a support on issues that they truly don’t understand, i fall in like with a friend at some point and then when things don’t go peachy keen and the “friendship/relationship” falls off i just feel… SOL. and then i feel like i’ve lost 1/4 of my “friends” and i take it personally. sabotage it. whatever i do to cope. alll because
i have no life. shoot i feel like i need to keep saying that.
but today. today i was saved by the grace of God when i got annoyed by one of those “friends” that i fell into “like” with because he wasn’t acting the way that i wanted him to. so instead of addressing it… which wasn’t necessary to do on ANY.LEVEL even though i was contemplating it hard because…
……i have no life…..
…i went to pick up my “little sister” (big brothers big sisters shout out!) and did mentor-ly things with her then brought her back to the library with me since it iiiis finals time. and you know what? it didn’t get my mind off things completely, but it sure did help and and it sure did make me feel like i had a life. a purpose outside of my peers that drive me up the wall. crazy right?
so the moral is this. and believe you-me… i’ve been inching towards solution after failure after failure. but i finally feel like i have a holistic one that i can actually apply. i feel like i can grow and flourish and be the me i’m meant to be. and that means…
less talking, more doing. ie. no more “relationship/friendship” figuring out-talking out. just being. just accepting. and when i get antsy, i’ll just take part in something that is totally divorced from people and brings me joy. also, i’ll join orgs that introduce me to people and then i’ll broaden my group of associates/friends. that way, i can truly enjoy the people that are in my life for a reason without there being a sense of pressure, i can enjoy the wonderful life that God has blessed me with and i won’t squander it away dwelling on things that are not for me to fix.
just do me and trust.
most of the things that i’ve typed here are not new “a-ha” moments, but it’s something about a certain phrase that can bring it all together in one fell swoop.
it’s time to get a life.
