omg my mind has been mush ever since i walked through the door. i dont even think i locked it. now im in my bed eatin phish food like it’s the best thing since sliced bread (it is.. it might be.. why do people say that anyway? whats so revolutionary about a slice of bread? did people used to eat straight loaves out of their hands or somethin?)
but no you’d think i had an issue. i walked through the door, dropped my purse, walked the two steps it takes for me to get to my bed (small ass apt), dropped this new package i got from miss jessies onto my bed andd proceeded to rip it open. i then opened my computer out of habit and started to watch this girl’s youtube videos (see below) and next thing i know, it’s 10 o’clock. wait… let me check my phone to see if i can calculate when i walked through my door.
ok so i sent this accidental tweet that said “tv” around 3 hours ago. i don’t even watch tv. sooo i’ve been sittin in my bed for about 2.5 hours now. and looking at the state of my apartment now, you’d think that i didn’t care about the quality of my life.
hold up.
alright. so i just picked up a few things, sprayed a lil bleach, lit a candle and poured some wine in one of my plastic cups. i’m good. the dishes are gon hafta wait. but naw as i was cleaning up my mess, i thought of a story one of my friends told me recently. she was talking about how she tried a long island for the first time. then she tried two the night after the first night. it was like a trial period or something. and like after leaving the bar, she went home and talked on the phone to this dude for the rest of the night. then the next morning, she said, her place looked a HOT MESS and she found clothes on the floor, her phone was flung across the room (she didn’t say that), posters torn down (or that) and i was just like… what the heck happened?? she said maybe she started dancing when she got in lmao. all i could think was… maybe i need that long island in my life.
in all seriousness though, i’m feeling my life and where i am in my journey. i’m not completely comfortable in my skin buuut i could definitely fool someone on a good day. i had a continuation of a hearing today and i’m not really feeling the litigation idea in my future life BUT i actually succeeded in thinking on my feet. opposing counsel tried to surprise us with some more unannounced documents but i had something for them after it marinated a bit. i was kind of surprised at how calmly i can act in those situations when it feels like the whole scenario is being turned upside down and inside out. i credit that to God. i wasn’t worried. i just went with my gut which is something i’m usually afraid to do in those types of situations for fear of messing up my “perfect” notes and my “perfect” idea of what i’m supposed to say so that it lines up with some “perfect” lawyerly theory that can be found in some lawyerly book i was supposed to read. but God speaks through me— and more powerfully when i trust Him. so even if i made a huge blunder today at some point during that hearing, i wouldn’t know it bc i feel great. we walked out of that hearing (my client and i) feeling like we got everything across that we wanted to get across and we poked holes at whatever weightless story that was thrown at us. she felt great and that made me feel good. no regrets even now. if i could trust myself more and more regularly, i feel like i could do all sorts of things i’ve never even dreamt of doing.
but baby steps.
so while this wasn’t the “perfection” blog i envisioned yesterday, it still came out. sidenote, i actually had a very riveting dream last night that kind of shook me up, then i woke up, and then i fell back asleep and back into the same dream where i took control of the situation. my dreams are very.real. it’s crazy. i feel like they’re my chance to get things right on the inside before facing the world on the outside. they’re like a gift… which is why i spoke about them in my previous written post. but there’s more to be said about that at a later time.
i need to prepare for bed and let my mind simma. hoping for a beautiful, fantastically hilarious, productive and fulfilling everything night and day for me, you and everybody.
-13
ps. i’m gettin a little better at just typing and letting it go. i only read thru this like 5 times. as i said.. baby steps.
