i don’t really have a topic in mind, so i’m just gonna freestyle it. i’m at this point in my life where things can be a little messy. not drama-filled messy but… the kind where you trust that no matter what things look like from the outside, it’s all ok. really. you know how people who are a little messy always say the same thing? it’s like “yea this room looks crazy, but if you asked, i could put my hand on this… this.. oh and this.” even though everything looks chaotic on the surface, it really isn’t underneath. now me. i’m a big proponent of keeping a tidy space because i believe that your space is a reflection of your mind. your state of being. and while something about that and something about cleaning when i need to clear my head comforts me, i’m learning that the goal of perfection is not the answer to a happy, fulfilling life. a good life is loose, free, messy at times bc that’s how we inherently are as people. while God created us in his image, He didn’t create us to be Him. only He is perfect. He wanted us to recognize our flaws so that we knew we could only look to Him to make things right. no one else.
so it’s a task, but i’m learning. while overall, my life looks pretty good, i feel as though almost every aspect of my life has been tossed into the air and i’m jus waiting to see where things will fall. the old me (and it still appears from time to time) would take big leaps to catch the pieces before they fell— in an effort to control the outcome. the “new” me stares at the pieces, itching to touch them and connect with them, but letting most of them hit the ground before totally going crazy. yea they don’t always land where i envisioned they would, but it doesn’t really matter. maybe w time, they will. or maybe they’ll end up someplace better. the thing is… i don’t know what God has planned, what the future holds. there’s no sense in pretending that i do.
when i just don’t get why things are happening the way they are, i’ve been getting this image of me in a car, driving down some dark highway. well, it’s either reeally dark and my lights can only see a few feet in front of the car OR it’s raining uber hard and the visibility is still poor. so that’s me. i can only see so far. then i get this image of the road ahead with twists and turns and more cars and less cars and different settings, elements… whatever. i can’t see it from behind the wheel, but i assume that’s what God sees. the bigger picture. and for some reason, that’s comforting to me.
i heard a guy say something interesting today (it’s related but it’s not all at once). he talked about how sometimes guys want to be with a girl, are pretty sure that she’s the one in fact, but then the girl starts trippin because the relationship between the two isn’t going at the rate she would like it to. it’s like, the guy said, if the girl would just chill out, it could actually give the relationship some room to work out. now while i don’t think a 20 year relationship that evades the prospect of marriage because the guy says things are going “too fast” should be the poster child for all relationships, i did think that the general idea was interesting. i feel it in a sense because i think that’s true… whenever we as people try to have ultimate control over something and try to make things go our way and at our pace, we can get in the way of our own, carefully created destiny. think of your fabricated control like… like trying to plan your own surprise party. it will never be great unless someone else does it for you. that someone who u know loves you, knows you better than you know yourself… someone that just wants to see you happy and satisfied with the end result. sometimes you gotta trust that Someone is creating an amazing surprise party just for you. and don’t worry— you’ll like it.
so… i bite my tongue and chill. when fighting doesn’t seem worth it. when i’m not sure if my way is the best way. when my ego takes over. when i don’t know what to do next. in hopes that the next step i take is the one designed just for me.
