disclaimer: i apologize in advance for my long ass sentences and convoluted sentence structures. i did minimal editing cuz, as i’ve said before, i’m trying to get away from this perfectionism thing.
i read this somewhere and i’ve firmly held onto this belief ever since:
“what you settle for is what you end up with.”
no i’m not strictly talking about being with a guy/girl you’re not really feeling because you don’t want to end up late in life known as the cat lady… or a full grown man with a poodle… sad times… and while this topic WILL come full circle, i’m talking first about the simple things that happen on an every day basis. things begin in small ways and then ripple outward into more pervasive areas of our lives.
so say, for instance, you repeatedly go to a restaurant where the staff always gets your order wrong or they just always give you sloppy service. you never complain because you figure… they’re really busy or… it’s not that big a deal… it’s off the 99 cent menu. whatever. but the truth is, you deserve good things and the more you consent to that bad service, the more you’re inviting it into your life. i used to be that patient girl behind a mob of people who would wait for her order to be called only to find out minutes later that somebody had walked away with my meal. this happened several times in like a 24 hour timespan before i realized i needed to do something different. clearly, i needed to stand up front where restaurant staff had to see me ev-er-y-time they called an order. yes, i’m the one with the chicken nuggets, with the sweet tea and two sweet and sour sauce and yes i am still waiting. yes, i came here for lunch too. no, i am not crazy. but all i’m sayin iiis.. situations like that only continue to happen to people who let it happen time after time and do nothing different to change the broken record. and it is never coincidence when you can clearly see a pattern forming.
there are other instances. like say you find your opinions being consistently undervalued— whether at work, at home or out with friends. the more you allow it to happen, the more you give people permission to do so. subconsciously or not, people go along with the flow of how you feel about yourself and how others feel about you too. when you cower at these moments, it gives off an air of insecurity. it’s like YOU don’t even care about your opinion that much. sure, your opinion isn’t always going to be at the top of everybody’s totem pole, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve people’s acknowledgment and respect.
in the same vein, when it comes to my relationships with people, i’m very sensitive to how each of them make me feel and my responses to them. if i begin to act out of body in a bad way, i know that deep down, i feel like i’m risking settling for something of which i know i should not be settling. tho i know relationships aren’t perfect bc people are far from perfect, i do have a say in how i allow myself to feel and act as a result.
someone once told me that you can gauge how healthy or unhealthy a relationship is by how one feels after they’ve either left the other person/gotten off the phone with them/or finished interacting with them in some way. if it’s a good feeling, good. of course you can’t be settling bc you’re happy right? if there’s an argument from time to time, that’s ok too… it’s natural. but if there’s always miscommunication or you always feel as though something’s not quite right, that’s the intuition telling you in advance that something’s not right (see my “intu-deep” post ***shameless plug***). it may not be the person, it may be the timing. you may desire something different in your life. maybe the season’s over and they’re no longer a branch in your tree of life, but a broke down twig instead. sorry, when i think “season” i have to pull madea. but there comes a time when things run their course and either the relationship a) needs a break so you can come back fresh or b) needs to end for good. while i’m rarely for the “we can never speak again” thing… bc i know things and circumstances are subject to change… i do believe in handling people at somewhat of a distance if it’s necessary. the over-connectedness of technology makes it so hard to do this, but that’s a topic for another day. but still, it can be done with willpower. if a situation isn’t adding anymore, it’s only going to detract if the winds aren’t set to change. and only when you start denying the things and people that don’t make you feel good and lifted can you make more room for the things that will.
so the next time you’re feeling uneasy about something, try to think about why that is and if there’s something…even minute… that you can do to change the default course of events. the simple act of telling your barber that you’d rather not accidentally rock the boosie fade this time or maybe even canceling a date because your date has a bad habit of always picking you up late makes a statement and a difference in the long run, if not in the short. all it takes sometimes is putting your foot down for things to change and for you to settle no more.
